Breathing the Wholeness of Turning 35.

Oldie photo from my birthday 2 years ago

I am an October girl at heart.

October brings this very unique golden light, deep blue autumn skies and warm sunshine days to soak in before the colder days arrive. The trees are in festive mode, giving us a firework of colours before they transform for winter. It is my favourite time of the year and those golden days are sacred. I have this strong connection to Autumn.

I am an October girl at heart after all.

I turn 35 today. Another trip around the sun. Birthdays bring me into celebration and reflective mode. Looking back on 34 and my thirties. Always with a deep joy and gratitude for the magnificence of being alive.

It feels like a big number. I'm not exactly where I thought I would be. Does that place even exist anyway? Was that even a dream of mine or society's? Not even sure what it looked like anymore but a vague image. I thought I'd be an adult by now. Still not feeling like one. But maybe no one ever really feels like one? There are still a lot of things I want to achieve, ideas and projects I want to bring to life. Places to explore. Moments to live. Adventures to create.

But no matter what the outside stuff looks like, I can't help but feel this deep gratitude for life. I am here. Alive. Vibrant. Healthy. I am free. I am surrounded by my loved ones and friends and am pursuing my dreams. I am the crazy auntie to my two koalas, niece and nephew, that I love with all my heart. I wanted more freedom and went for my dream. I  get excited about life's adventures and taking the road less traveled. I embrace the messiness. Rebels run in my blood. I have no clue where I'll be in a year and it's pretty exciting. I go sometimes from moments of excitement and moments of panic and that is ok. It's just the rollercoaster and privilege of living on this planet. Even though sometimes life can feel slow and like I haven't achieved much. I also feel a deep joy to be in this body, living this life.

I know that the one thing I want to do well in this life is Love. Give love. Receive love. To myself, my family and friends, to my past and current loves, to the people who crossed my path somewhere along the way and to the other humans sharing this planet at the same time as me.

Living in the present moment with a deep trust that things will always turn out well as I have my own back.

I have done lot of work on myself, to discover who I am what I am made of. Stardust, right? I will always be a student of life. Learning, growing, expanding. In relationships, business, friendships, love and within me. I have loved my thirties so far. Looking back I realise how much expansion and growth happened in the past six years. How I created the space to become the person I am today.

My twenties were a lot about exploration, fun, living in the moment, discovering love and the world but also including heartbreaks, despair and total confusion. I've been so far lost that I can barely remember that 26 year old me. My 35 year old me would tell her to breathe, to keep feeling all the feels, that nothing ever stays the same, that the deep pain she is feeling right now is creating the ground for her dreams to take shape and coming to life. That the light always comes back. And that you need darkness to see the stars. This pain of heartbreak, of not fitting in, lacking direction, purpose and confidence built the ground for my wildest dream to take shape. Those years planted the seeds that started growing and showing signs of life at 29.

So much has changed since those years. It feels so distant, so foreign. I've learned to love myself unconditionally. I am whole. I am my wildest adventure. I am ok not fitting in. I no longer seek validation outside of myself. I soak in the freedom and love I created for myself.

35 feels like a big number but at the same time I feel my spirit is younger than ever. Maybe because there's a lightness that comes with being aligned with my soul.

I am also seeking a deeper truth. About life. About myself. Realising my worth is not linked to my bank account, my achievements, if I have a partner by my side or not, if I become a mother or not. I am not the likes on my social media. I am not what people think of me. I am not my thoughts. Just being me is enough.

There is no perfect time. No time when I'll feel totally ready for the next step. I just need to bring trust to the equation. A deep expanding trust for life and keep showing up as I follow my heart.

I am seeking depths. Who am I? What is my essence? How can I contribute to the world to make it a better place, a more loving one?

What part of my story can I let go? What stories have I been telling myself for years that have never been true or are no longer aligned with the way I want to live my life?

I am still learning to navigate the ups and downs of life. One wave after another, getting wiser.  Staying present. Bringing intuition and my heart wide open on this journey. Because the whole reason of being here is to learn to live with an open heart I believe.

I am kickstarting 35 surrounded by people I love, with projects that bring all the excitement and fear up but also the bold and fierce lion within me, knowing I've got this.

I am excited and filled with joy at the million possibilities that is just around the corner. I get to create the life I want. Sometimes it feels like I'm just realising this, and some days it feels like it's something I've always followed and cultivated. I am enough. I can take a deep breathe in. Full of gratitude. Exhaling with contentment.

How golden is this life?