Until a few days ago I couldn't sit and write this end of year post, a ritual that I cherish so much. I felt uncomfortable, uninspired and detached. But as it happens with creativity sometimes, it all comes up in waves when you least expect it. As we're about to wrap up 2015 and the days are short and nights, long and dark, I tend to go into hibernation mode, bringing my koala self into a cosy nest. I like to take this time during the holidays to take a break from the madness that december is and just connect with myself and my year. And this one's been a weird one. I'm having a hard time putting words or vibes to it. 2014 was such a wild, soul shaking, heart opening, life-changing year that it was hard to keep up with the high energy created.
So as I sit by the Christmas tree, candles lit, cup of tea in hand and indie folk music on, I sit, reflect and write.
It was a year with new beginnings, first times and with its up and downs. There were moments that felt like riding big waves and others just plain flat. My monkey mind tells me I haven't done enough. I haven't put myself out there enough. I haven't climbed my mountain.
So even though things didn't go as I'd pictured them, it was the year I danced in the summer rain, hiked to see the sunrise, taught my first year of yoga, created my first own workshop, had snowy adventures, connected to nature and thus making my outdoorsy self pretty blissed out, witnessed love celebrations and welcomed little babies coming to life- my little prince of a nephew! The year I collaborated on projects that made me grow and happy. While being lucky all this time to be surrounded by like-minded souls- close or far away.
Another year where I took steps in the direction of my dreams.
I've also been tested with my patience. A lot. It might actually be one of my word to summarize this year. Learning patience with my shoulder injury that has taken a long time to heal. It challenged me with my yoga practice and other sports while my mind would get annoyed and impatient. Learning patience in other areas of my life- finances, love, and other life projects. Life comes with messiness and no filters. And I've been trying to accept the rainbow of feelings and emotions that goes with it. Especially with accepting and loving myself as a whole. I am known to be a bubbly & good vibes person and I've learned to give myself permission to be who I am, to love myself unconditionally, which can take the shape of sitting with my sadness or loneliness without being scared of them. And it took me a while to come to terms that it's ok to be fully myself, and showing different sides of me. Practicing kindness when the roller coaster of emotions shows up. Life's about embracing all of them. In the end, they're like clouds - they come and go. And most importantly, I am not my thoughts, neither my feelings. They don't define who I am. There's freedom in accepting yourself.
I believe in living outside the box and embracing my uniqueness but sometimes it's hard to swim against the current. Sometimes going after your dreams means sacrificing other parts of your life. I'm slowly understanding that it's ok. It's a journey and not a contest. As long as I remind myself that I'm doing my best and sometimes that means savasana meditation in bed and red wine. And that's ok. I've learned to embrace imperfect actions instead of perfect visions. Better to take the first step and do something then just dream of a perfect moment that never crystallize.
So 2016, I can't promise you anything as life is full of surprises but I will do my very best. I want to show up more fully, real and bold. Speaking up my voice, making space and embracing the lioness in me. The doer.
Saying "hell yeah" to my life.
And I already started doing that the past few weeks with bringing more of what I want for myself. I don't connect to resolutions. I'm more about setting intentions and soulful goals. One of them was reading more books. I'm a book lover but I had an habit of not always finishing them, which made me feel blah. Not that there's anything wrong with not finishing books. Life is too short to keep reading a book that bores you to sleep anyway. All this to say that I didn't wait for 2016 to start to do the things I wanted to do more of. I read inspiring books, I slowly reconnected to my meditation practice, to my yoga mat, to myself, to eat more of the food that makes me feel vibrant, to do the things that bring nourishment and make me feel good.
So yeah, 2015, thank you for teaching me acceptance and patience while trusting that life is unfolding in magical ways that is not always visible in the present moment.
No matter what your year looked like, I hope you can reminisce moments of bliss and love, of learning and loving yourself a little bit more and embracing your weirdness, which makes you more special and unique.